You really might want to read this. Thanks to BeyondMadness’ grandpa, who had preserved this book – “Sermons in Solitary Confinement” by Richard Wurmbrand. You might have heard about, read about / of him, the pastor who started the Voice of the Martyrs.
I chanced to read just a few sermons from the book and I need say, they were really deep.
This, in the preface, almost cut right through. Go ahead.
Accept your thoughts of despair and of faith, your doubts and their solution, your moments of madness and their passing away. Allow it all to happen to you. You might imagine that you are thinking. In fact, you are being thought. You may be an experiment for angels. You may be the object of a bet between God and satan, like Job. Be determined only to cling to God, even if He slays you, even if He slays your faith. If you lose your faith, then remain faithlessly His.
If all the fruits of the spirit disappear, and you remain a barren tree with only leaves, remember that leaves also have a purpose. Under their shadow, the fruitful ones may rest in the embrace of their divine lover. Leaves are used by the bride to make a garland for her beloved. Leaves are changed into healing medicines. And even when the leaves become yellow and fall withered to the ground, they can form a beautiful carpet on which He will walk toward those who, unlike you, have remained faithful to the end.